Champion Love Story

Grace 

We were that couple who were crazy, passionately, head-over-heels in love. With the birth of our first child, all of a sudden I didn’t really know who I was. My name, hormones, body, job and lifestyle had all changed dramatically. 

Our relationship wasn’t exciting dates and holidays anymore but sleep deprivation and boring chores. It was a period of grinding gears, quarrels, confusion and conflict. 

I went from being independent, capable and accomplished in my professional life, to being at home all day with a baby, doing jobs that quickly came undone. When Toby would leave for work in the morning I felt jealous that he got to go out and ‘have a life’. 

During those first few years, I often got frustrated with Toby. It brought out a bitter, critical side of me. He would go quiet. I questioned whether I had married the right guy. 

After the birth of our second baby, I was diagnosed with post-natal anxiety. In the course of getting professional help, we did a stocktake on our life. We realized that we were doing too much, spending our precious resources of time and energy on things which weren’t nurturing our marriage or family. 

Toby had to accept that he didn’t know how to fix the problem. None of the tools he had could change the situation, and he realized that he needed to learn to care for me. This involved a lot of listening and empathising. 

I was completely vulnerable and weak and I had to learn to accept help from Toby, to lean on him and trust him. 

We prayed, we made changes and slowly we started to rebuild our life. Ultimately, it was our mutual vulnerability which led to the transformation of our marriage. For our marriage to thrive, we needed to put it first, and to maintain it as a safe place, no matter how we were doing. 

I realized that whether I valued my husband was not dependent on what he had done but on my attitude towards him. I realised I was the maker or breaker of my own marriage. 

I began to try and set Toby up to win. In encouraging him and praising him for his God-given abilities and traits, I watched him flourish. He was able to do more and be more and of course was more affectionate. This made me want to keep cherishing him and in turn he would respond positively. 

7 years later, we have 4 children, some chooks and a whole different relationship. We are more connected, more in love and feel more blessed than ever before. We continue to be curious about understanding one another and picking up new tools in our relationship. Toby is a solid leader in our marriage whilst still respecting and encouraging my strengths. 

We are imperfect people, forever flawed. But we believe anyone can choose to transform their relationship by laying down their habit of self-protection and adopting a practice of vulnerability. This requires asking God to come into every part of your relationship, but the result is always love and unity. 

This is an excerpt from Watto’s Book ‘Champions Learn To Love’